Taste the Freedom

I remember one of my first ventures out of the house after Wyatt came home. I got in my car and took a big sigh of relief. I was alone at last!! Drunk with freedom!! With a newborn, you can't even go to the bathroom by yourself. Every single second of my life was shared by another. I was tempted to get a full tank of gas and drive until it was empty. Run far, far away and drink lots of margaritas. Drive to California and throw my cell phone out the window. But wouldn't you know it, I drove to the next town over and missed that little bugger. I found myself tearing up at the thought of his little frog feet and sweet smelling hair. I was mad at myself for missing him so much. I wanted to backhand myself screaming 'Get a grip! He's fine. You have been gone for 3 minutes'. I ran my errand and went straight home. Not making any extra stops.

While on maternity leave, I went to get my hair cut and Mom was babysitting for me. I made an appointment so I wouldn't have to wait long. But in the waiting room I sat paralyzed. Should I pull out the book that I have been reading for the past 3 months or should I flick through a magazine? Which magazine: People, Parenting, Glamour, or US Weekly? Should I be on the phone or sitting patiently? The choices were endless. It was the first real time I had by myself without a baby clinging to my chest wanting attention, or laundry that needed to be done, or an errand to run. The result was staring into space. It was too much. I was overwhelmed by the choices.

It happened again to me on my first day at work. I get an entire lunch hour to myself. Ohh the audacity!! Seriously, I had no idea what to do. For the first week, I quietly sat reading in the kitchen for an hour. Finally finishing that book I had been reading since I was pregnant. I could do anything with that hour but couldn't effectively think of one productive thing. It is baffling to me because I am highly productive and have always optimized my free time. Suddenly, I was struck dumb by the sheer freedom of 60 whole minutes.

Slowly, I started to venture out. I got a new phone. I went to Borders to buy a new book. I make calls looking for other jobs, even went on an interview. Go to the grocery store or get a coffee. However, I still am always drawn towards something to do with Wyatt. I went to buy pants at the Gap only to bring home piles of baby clothes. I would try to nap in my car then get all upset because the last time I would do that was when I was pregnant and my legs don't fit with the car seat. Go to CVS only to buy diapers and Destin, forgetting the toothpaste. Even though I have come to enjoy my 20 minute commute to work, it is still unnerving not having Wyatt in the car. But I am learning that the more I get done while I am at work, the more time I get to focus on Wyatt when I get home. And maybe, just maybe, learning to feel good about 60 minutes all to myself.