Keep Knocking, No One's Home

I can't believe this is happening, again.  When Lizzy went for blood tests last week, it never crossed my mind that the virus might be back.  I never allowed myself to think it.  She has been hepatitis C free for over 2 months.  She has regained some semblance of a normal life.  She has become a teenager again, become a  regular senior in high school.  Hanging out with friends until all hours of the morning.  Participating in scavenger hunts, sleep outs, and cut days.  Simply enjoying being young and beautiful.  That is what life is suppose to be like for her.  Carefree, innocent, exciting, full of promise, and believing nothing bad could ever happen.

One phone call can change it all.  The virus is back.  She has two basic options.  Go back on her horrific treatment (that landed her sick, taking 3 weekly injections, on the couch watching awful TV not having the strength to move) for another year, during college no less. (Hi new roommates!  I brought the microwave and a duffel bag of syringes!!) Or wait until 2011 when a new treatment is suppose to be launching but risk letting the virus eat away at her liver, while living with knowing you are sick and doing nothing about it.  She gets to asks questions on her doctors appointment on Monday.  She is going to Loyola in Baltimore in the fall.  Baltimore is not far, but far enough.  This is her summer before college.   Graduation is next weekend.  Prom is coming up.  Why now?  Why her?  Why again, so soon?  Hasn't she been through enough?  But there is no one to blame.  Sometimes life just sucks for no rhyme or reason.  There would never be a good time.  No one deserves this.

I wish that I could do it for her.  That I could be the sick one so she can go enjoy college.  I feel so bad for her.  No, that doesn't even begin to cut it.  I feel overwhelmed for her.  Everyone is so upset.  I know it will be fine.  Out of our family, she is the one who can handle this.  She is stronger then anyone gives her credit for.  I know its not the worse news.  Its a setback in the fight.  She's going to be fine.  I'm being melodramatic.  But when bad news comes to your family, to someone that you love, it is hard to see any good.  To see any silver lining.  To feel anything but emptiness.  I want to bathe in alcohol but thats unfair because Lizzy can't drink.  Destined to be the designated driver for the rest of her life.  I want to grieve, to black out the windows, and wallow in bad movies.  Maybe we'll all just go smoke up.  It's been a bad day.