Does Picture Perfect Even Exist?

I have been feeling very underwater lately, foggy, like there is this haze in front of my eyes. I have been thinking too much. I find my mind wandering from what I am doing. I'll be down the beach playing with Wyatt and then just zone out for a few minutes staring at the water. Sometimes I think its a result of be being tired. I play out these imaginary scenes in my head with grand gestures, with people breaking out into song and dance, with flowers and romance, with fairy tale endings. I know full well that these imaginations will never happen but I let them play out. Like watching scenes from a movie. It sounds weird now that I write it out but thats just how my mind figures things out.

I wish my life could have a soundtrack where music would start playing at key moments in every situation. I wish I always had the right words to say. That everything I phrased would come out perfectly well intentioned, intelligent, and universally understood. I wish I could live in a string of Hallmark moments. I have a tendency to want everything to be perfect. Maybe everyone does. I dream about trips to Disneyland with a mom, a dad, and a baby. I want a perfect family unit for myself and Wyatt. I feel like we both deserve that. Most of all I feel like Wyatt deserves that. I feel like I somehow failed him because I can't provide that nuclear family. I know he doesn't know the difference right now. But some day he will. And I might still not be ready when he figures it out.

I really want everything to work out. And most of the time, I have hope that it will. But being a single mom, I am often reminded that not everything is perfect. And sometimes it is hard to find the silver lining. To remember that I'm not alone. To remember that I am not overwhelmed. To remember to have hope for the future. To remember that I am desirable. To remember that I am successful. To remember that just because its not perfect right now doesn't mean it won't be in the future. I am just having a moment, a hard week. It will pass.

The New Meaning of Bathtime

The Simple Pleasures

My Sun, My Son

Dancing Around Dog Poop

Ok, so, we all know about my eHarmony adventure. I must say it has been rather amusing. There is this whole process of asking questions back and forth before you finally get to open emailing. It is kind of tedious but I would like to think I can weed out some of the creepers that way. Below is a sampling of questions that I asked and the answers that I received.

1. You're stuck on a desert island. You have one book, one movie, one CD, one TV series, and an item of your choice. What do you bring?

One book, likely the Tao Te Ching or something similar for tons of reasons I'll happily discuss with you at leisure. Movie would likely be The Fountain, for similar thoughts. CD is a collection titled "Samhain" I have from overseas. TV series is House, MD almost without question. Last item would be one of a collection of knives I have, from which other things, culminating in a seaworthy catamaran, could be constructed! =)

2. What is your favorite family tradition?

My family has never been particularly close, so we do not have many traditions of any consequence. All of us however have served in some military capacity, myself included (1998-2005, in Persia) and I have great pride in the many circles and adventures carried on by a military family, however otherwise scattered it might be.

3. What is the most spontaneous thing you have ever done?

Once when I was in Arabia we were invited to dine with a Bedouin clan in the area, and I took that sheik's peregrine to play with and chase after a tennis ball. It was very rude of me to invade his space however the bird was very amenable to me, so he was amused. Shortly thereafter I caused a large crowd of people to begin dancing and music, and helped myself to dancing with his daughter, a local princess. Several other of my decision have been similarly erratic, but those stand out in my memory the most!

Seriously folks! I cannot make this stuff up. Do we think this is a joke? I can't decide. Either this guy has had some bizarre and incredible stories that I cannot begin to imagine or he is totally yanking my chain. I haven't questioned him back yet. My guess is he's probably from India or England and I am completely lost on his humor. The military sending him to Persia?! Has to be from abroad. So far I haven't found any keepers but I have found a ton of laughs.

(If your bored, what would be your answer to one of my questions?)

On Auntie B's Birthday

The Previously Mentioned Cackling

19 Months

Goose,

We took a lovely one night trip out to Fire Island. Uncle Mike was being a priest for a week and got a 6 bedroom house in return. Of course, we missed the first ferry to Saltaire but you could have cared less. You loved watching the water and being the center of attention between Auntie B and I. Once on the ferry, a thin mist of sea spray would fly into your face sending you into peels of laughter. The house smelled like salt water, suntan lotion, damp curtains, and sand with a wide open floor plan. You ran circles around the house with Pup and Uncle Mike's whippets (Millie and Odette) chasing after you. I tried to introduce you to jigsaw puzzles. They were my favorite pastime. You would slide a piece off the table and place it carefully

on top of a part the we had already completed. You were so gentle.

It was amazing being out there; no cars, no tv, no internet, no distractions. It was peaceful. I think we should all do it every year. You are forced to ride bikes, play in the ocean, complete jigsaw puzzles, and read books. To live in a simpler time. It was the first time you went in the ocean. The smooth sand between your toes thrilled you. Gammy held you and let the waves take your feet out from under you. It was pretty cold out and we just planned to say on the beach but by the time we were going back to the house, you were covered in sand and salt water. We would have stayed for longer but Auntie B got bit by some crazy beast of a bug and swelled up twice her normal size. She wanted to leave the island IMMEDIATELY. Next year, I promise, we'll have a beach getaway for more then one night, bugs be damed.

Pup and you have grown very close. I often find you both, thick as thieves, by the back gate digging holes together planning your escape. You chase each other around, first you chasing Pup then the reverse. Your closeness reached epic proportions when Pup decided to jump into your bath creating utter chaos. He tries to do it every night now. When we go for walks you need to have Pup in your eyesight or else you get upset. When we get home after a long day trip, you find him and give him this awkward hug that looks like you are trying to carry him away. It took a month and you're inseparable. (Notice Wyatt is wearing different shirts in these two pictures. This crate sharing is a daily occurrence. Weird but endearing all at the same time.)

In other milestones, you started stringing two words together. It started when you and I were in the car waiting at a train crossing. We were waving bye-bye to the choo-choo and there you were in the back seat waving, saying 'bye bye choo choo' like you have done it all your life. I was astonished and called about 12 people before we even got home, ticket be damned. Another catch phase is 'daawnn peas' which is 'down please' in English. Yes, you say please and thank you (tank ewe, roughly). The most polite toddler ever. Another new one is 'ut ooo, mom'. You will be playing nicely and I'll hear a crash then your soprano "Utt oooooo" then the patter of your feet to find me. Sometimes its 'Utt ooo, what hap?' Like you have no idea how the grapes started rolling all over the floor which Pup is methodically eating. Or how your juice spilled on the carpet. You will probably never know how these things happen.

I know I always get really sappy when I write these letters and I'm sorry. I can't seem to help myself. I still, after 19 months, have never found a way to show you how much I love you. There is no quantitative measure, that is how much. You are just so charming, and gorgeous, and loving, and have this light that seems to radiate out of you. I am so proud of you, already, and proud that I had something to do with how amazing you are. I am quite convinced you are the best part of me. You are so much of my happiness and joy. I hope that I am some of yours too.

I love you everyday.

Mom

Bacteria? What Bacteria?

Updates:

The lizard exists people!!! Evidently, some guy was moving and the three foot beast escaped. He tried to catch it but couldn't and then had to leave. So now, we have this creepy man eating lizard that is slowly starving and beginning to hunt our children, cats, and new puppies. My dad had a run in on Sunday when he was cutting the grass. He looked up and there is this lizard sunning itself on our neighbors roof. There has been an all out rescue effort with nets and fire department trucks but they have yet to catch it. My thought is since it has turned to autumn early it probably won't survive much longer. Too cold. At least that is what I tell myself so I can sleep and let my baby play in the backyard.

Also, after much encouragement, I have signed up for eHarmony. I was very hesitant and for the most part still pretty untrusting but its worth a shot. The way I justified it was if I get one nice date a month it pays for itself. So far it has been mildly disappointing. No one has really been jumping out at me. But I am willing to try at least for the month that I subscribed for. It is kind of an intense process. There are all these questions that you have to answer before they will let you have any open communication. So, I'm not up to that stage yet. And for those of you wondering, I am keeping Wyatt a secret until I meet them in person. I don't want to attract any creepers but I also don't want to keep him a secret so I have decided that first date is probably appropriate. I am sure there will be many posts to come about this new venture.

Another poll to the masses: Wyatt and I have a membership at the local Y and I can't seem to decide which, if any, class I should sign us up for. Our options are a mommy and me class that we did last time and he adored it. It was for 16-24 month olds and it was like a huge play group. He really did enjoy it. Or another swim lesson, which he also liked but I think that might be better for the winter. I love being able to go swimming when you can't outside. Or there is this new music appreciation class which seems like they play instruments, sing songs, dance, that kind of thing. Or should we skip this session entirely because this new swine flu information is kind of daunting and he already has a cold. I am leaning toward music class because I would love to get Wyatt into the arts as soon as possible. But the germys have got me kind of freaked. Its a toss up.

Next Generation Laziness

I have come to a crossroads. After almost 19 months of motherhood, I feel like I am finally ready to take on dating. Not something super serious but maybe just some fun dinner dates. There was a long stretch there that I honestly wasn't really interested. I was fiercely focused on Wyatt and my vision could not be blurred to let anyone into our private little love-fest. But the older he gets, the more independent, as much as I hate to admit it he doesn't need me as much anymore. I am finding myself able to focus a little more on myself. What I am finding is that I'm lonely. That I miss sharing my life with someone.

I have never had trouble meeting people. I am extremely outgoing, could talk myself blue in the face, and could have fun in a paper bag. Lately, I am feeling this intense need to break through my social circles. To meet people entirely new, that I have no connection with. It is kind of hard to do that in small town America. I keep on running into the same people. I am sure I could in NYC but I rarely have the time. On another front, I have been pretty depressed and kind of out of it lately (reasons for another post entirely) and I feel like meeting someone new might give me something to look forward to. Hope, maybe, that the male race isn't entirely worthless.

So, I have been thinking about joining an online dating site, eHarmony specifically. But I am having a lot of mixed emotions about it. My question is: is it lame or practical? I can't get over the feeling that I am a little better then eHarmony which is probably totally vain of me. I am kind of embarrassed about having to join a dating site to meet people. However, it seems entirely practical to me. My time is extremely limited. I rarely go out. Dating requires a lot of time. This might cut some of the drama out. But still. Its kind of weird like online shopping for men. I keep on going back and forth. What do we think?