It all Comes Rushing Back

I have been having a challenging time with Wyatt lately.  He seems to be exercising his right to say No more or he's testing his limits.  Something.  But it doesn't make me happy.  Its harder to get out of the door. Its harder to get him in the bath. Its harder in general.  I have to play my A-game all the time or else he out smarts me.  And the whining, my God, the whining.  I can handle crying but the whining for HOURS.  It drives me nuts.  He's just so cute about it too.  I'll ask him to put his shoes on and he'll go "Just one more minute.  One minute," holding up his little index finger.  But after 10 more minutes, he still won't budge and I have run out of creative excuses.  What do I do?  I was under the impression that the hardest part was over.  Not so.

Anyway, I was cleaning out my night stand bookcase.  Removing my belongings from the ONE area left in my room that hasn't been invading to make space for Wyatt's books.  It was a border-line bad day.  It seemed that everything we did there was a fight.  It was hot.  Both of us were crabby and so I cleaned while Wyatt played on the train table in the AC.  A cool down moment in many ways.  I stumbled upon a journal entry that I wrote before I started the blog.  It made me smile. It made me remember why, even on hard days, I need to reach down deep and pull out all my patience.  Remember that I need to give Wyatt the very best of me, everyday, no matter how cranky we are, or how hot it is, or how tired and worn out I am.  Its dated June 10th 2007.

I took my first pregnancy test last night.  Positive.  I'm 24 years old, not married, currently not employed, and with no health insurance.  Clearly not the most perfect circumstances.  But I don't ever plan anything.  It's the Kate way.  I have always wanted to be a mother.  I never imagined that I would be the first in the family, the first of my friends.  I guess sometimes you can't plan and can't question.  I was meant to have a child now.  It was definately a surprise but a blessing. 


I took the test at Rebecca's appartment and had plans to go out with some friends.  Rebecca and I were getting ready, the pregancy test burning a hole into my bag, and I just had to know.   Right then.  Rebecca was stressing about her roomates, her social life, her career, her love life. I casually mentioned I was freaking out about something too.  She looked straight in my eyes and said, "You're pregnant, right?"  She was very surprised and tried to play it off like no big deal but her excitement shone though her every word.  It was always a joke in the family that I would have children and Rebecca would raise them.  Despite our rough relationship during childhood she has become my best friend.  I couldn't imagine my life without her in it.


I took my teacher certification exams and was planning on going out to celebrate with Rebecca and then RJ and some Fordham friends at the Barrow St Pub.  I stopped drinking on the spot.  I still went out and quietly drank sprite, thinking I was fooling peolple with my lime garnish, while everyone else was doing shots.  Rebecca was proud of me that I was already caring for you, changing my life to make the best one for you.  You became my number one priority from the minute that test turned positive.


I don't know what I am going to do or how everything is going to work out.  But I know that you will always be loved.  You are going to be the first of a new generation.  I know you'll be spoiled and will never have to go without.  I am not going to let anyone know until I'm 3 months.  I want to make sure you're all right.  My tasks are cut out before me.  Job hunt starts now.  Health insurance is a huge priority.  That was the very beginning of you.